Truthfully, I haven’t been doing well. This might be the worst I’ve done in a long time. All that’s left to do is keep pushing. I’m not in a position where I can discuss what’s going on in my head, but the idea of not posting something at all this month fills me with anxiety and dread at ruining my streak of posts. There’s a part of me that wants to lie, but I can’t. I guess the best I can say is I’m surviving. My goals have shifted from losing weight, keeping up my abstinence from nicotine, and investing in my hobbies/relationships to just keeping myself alive. I’ve only slipped up a few times so far, and in those times where I lose reality I’ve been picked back up by others convincing me to stay around.

Things are actively getting better. I know they are. I think I’ll be alright in a few more months. I haven’t been able to participate in therapy like normal. The practice I see my therapist through suddenly collapsed and they’ve been forced to move to a different practice. I’m still waiting to hear if my insurance will be compatible with the new place. As soon as I can I’m going back in. Worst case scenario I begin the hunt for a therapist again. I’m not looking forward to that possibility, but it’s necessary. I don’t want to live like this forever. I’ve never been more convinced there’s something deeply and profoundly wrong with me than I am now. It’s not possible that my brain is working as intended and these are how emotions are supposed to feel. I need a lot more help than I know how to ask for.

Thanks to Cass, Evan, Michaela, and Sam for keeping me distracted and sane. And even though I know they’ll never see this, a very special thanks to Ari and Hank from Crisis Text Line for getting me through my darkest moments. I need to keep reminding myself that things are getting better. All I need to do is stay the course. Thanks for reading.